


what do we deserve?

by ithilien22



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 07:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9873932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ithilien22/pseuds/ithilien22
Summary: Episode coda for 2x08. They all get hit by the same spell, but when everyone else fights, Alec folds. (Rating for themes of suicide.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> **!! major trigger warning !!** \- heavy themes of suicide including internal monologue during an attempt
> 
> also coda to ep. 8 so **spoiler warning**

"Seeing you here, drink in hand, all smiles - it makes me sick."

Clary's words hit Alec like a punch to the gut, unexpected and well-aimed. He's confused at first; they're not friends exactly, but lately they've been – well. Things have gotten better, haven't they?

But he sees the look in her eyes – the anger, the pain – and it doesn't take long for him to understand. Nothing has gotten better, not really. He's just been letting himself pretend. Trying to forget. Of course Clary hasn't forgiven him.

The truth of her words settles heavy in his stomach. She's right. What is he doing? Planning a party? Acting like everything is okay? Nothing is okay.

He suddenly can't be in the loft anymore. There's too many people, drinking and smiling, just like Clary had said. It's all wrong. Why is everything is so loud?

So he goes to the roof. It's quieter up there. Calm. The fresh air seems to loosen his collar and allow him a to breathe again. But Clary follows him. She's so angry.

She has every right to be.

Without conscious thought, Alec finds himself up on the ledge, looking out over the city, down at the street below. It's almost peaceful. The distant sounds of the city are soothing. He feels suddenly small.

"Why are you still here?" Clary asks him.

He doesn't know. He used to think it was so that he could protect them: his family, his friends, the mundanes who have no idea of the darkness that surrounds them. But he can't even do that anymore. He couldn't protect Jace from Valentine. He couldn't protect Izzy from the demon. He couldn't even protect himself.

"You're weak," Clary tells him.

He knows. _He knows_.

"Don't worry," she adds, almost reassuring, "nobody's gonna miss you."

Alec takes a deep breath. He steps off the ledge.

– – –

He wakes up. Clary – real Clary – has nothing but worry and sadness in her eyes. His mother is there. So is Magnus.

It was a spell, he's told. Everyone was hallucinating. Something happened between Jace and their mother. Between Clary and the vampire. But everything is fixed now. They all look relieved.

Magnus deals with the warlock. Clary and Jace tell them about Valentine's plan. Everyone takes a collective breath as they try to wrap their heads around such an apocalyptic scenario. Alec tries not to look at Magnus. He tries to ignore the lump in his throat that hasn't gone away since he stopped Clary from leaving earlier in the evening.

There are more important things now. He needs to focus.

Eventually, everyone leaves Magnus's loft – party officially over – and Alec moves to do the same. Magnus stops him.

"Stay," he asks, voice low. Alec nods tightly.

They don't have sex, they just lay in bed together, Magnus wrapped around Alec and hugging him close, buried under too many blankets. It should be suffocating. It's not.

"I-" Magnus starts to speak, but falters. His words are just the whisper of breath against Alec's neck. "If you're ever feeling the way that you did today, on the roof, I- Please come to me. Talk to me."

Alec tenses and Magnus's hold instinctively tightens and then loosens again. Alec takes one of the hands wrapped around his chest and threads his fingers through Magnus's.

"It was just a spell," he says eventually.

"A spell that made a lot of people hallucinate some truly awful things," Magnus agrees softly. "But you were the only one on that roof, Alec."

The lump in Alec's throat grows.

"Because I'm weaker than them," he admits, hating himself for doing this in front of Magnus. "I couldn't fight the demon. Of course I can't even fight a hallucination."

Magnus makes a small sound and uses their joined hands to pull at Alec, urging him to roll over so that they're face to face. Alec does so reluctantly.

"You are one of the strongest people I've ever met," Magnus tells him. The conviction in his voice is overwhelming.

"Then why couldn't I look at you when we heard about the soul sword?" Alec asks bitterly, the words coming out almost unbidden. "I can't even think about- If something hap-happened to you. Magnus-"

Magnus pulls him forward and places a gentle kiss to Alec's forehead.

"It won't," he says, still so calm and sure. "Not at Valentine's hand, at least. We'll stop him, Alexander. Together."

Alec finds himself nodding despite his fears. Magnus sounds so sure, and he saw Magnus tonight. His power, his strength. If Magnus says they can win, maybe they can.

"I meant what I said, Alexander," he says, his voice slightly firmer even in its softness. "If you're feeling like you don't have any other options besides something drastic, please come talk to me. It doesn't make you weak to need help. Trust me darling, I've been in that place. It's hard to step back from the ledge by yourself."

Alec wants to believe Magnus is just inventing a story to make him feel better, but he can see the heavy weight of it on his face as he speaks. He's really been on his own ledge. Alec swallows thickly.

"Who pulled you back?" he asks.

Magnus takes a moment, considering. He sighs softly.

"Camille," he says. "She wasn't always- well. That's neither here nor there, I suppose."

Alec pulls Magnus the tiniest bit closer, even though there's already hardly any space left between them.

"Thank you," he says. Magnus blinks.

"For what?"

"For saving my life," he says. "I didn't- I don't. I mean, have moments where I-"

Alec cuts off his own stuttering explanation, frustrated at his lack of eloquence as always. He takes a deep breath.

"I'm happy I'm here with you," he says, forcing himself to meet Magnus's gaze. It's not exactly what he meant to say, but it's close.

Magnus smiles. He reaches up and cups Alec's cheek.

"I'm glad," he says.

It's enough, for tonight. For tonight, it's enough.

**Author's Note:**

> please come yell at me on [tumblr](https://ithilien-writes.tumblr.com/)!


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